Bible Bish

How God Healed a Lifetime of Rage and Abuse | Guest: Brian Shibata

• Kayley Bishop • Season 1 • Episode 10

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In this episode, I sit down with my friend Brian from Osaka, Japan, to hear the powerful story of how God transformed his life.

Born into a home marked by abuse and silence, Brian learned to bury his pain and rely only on himself. For decades he chased survival, success, and even numbed his hurt with gambling, but nothing brought peace. By his forties, the weight of anxiety, rage, and brokenness had taken its toll…until God broke through.

From a childhood of trauma to the brink of divorce, and then to the moment he finally heard the Lord whisper, “I’ve always been here with you,” Brian’s testimony is a breathtaking reminder that God is ready to meet you at your limits and restore what nothing else can.

If you’ve ever wondered whether God sees you in your darkest moments, this conversation will strengthen your faith and stir your hope.

Thanks for tuning in to Bible Bish!

Come for the tea, stay for the truth -you just might leave changed. 🕊️

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💌 Got a testimony or question? Email me at kayley@biblebish.com

In the name of love, this is your Bible Bish reporting for duty. ♡

Brian:

I tried everything for self-help self-improvement. I read books, I did all kinds of things, but nothing worked. The moment I, I gave my heart to God, everything started to improve in my life.

Kayley:

It's like you went from being selfish to being self-aware.

Brian:

Yeah, that makes sense

Kayley:

because, and it's, and you were a victim. Mm-hmm. Rightly Welcome to the Bible Podcast. My name is Kayley Bishop. I'm your host and fun enough. I am actually in Osaka, Japan. Never thought that was ever going to happen, but here I am. The Lord totally brought me here for a couple months this summer, and I was able to meet a really wonderful gentleman named Brian, and he is actually a friend of mine through the church that I started attending in Osaka called New Hope international Fellowship of Osaka, and I was so torn to pieces, my eyeballs cried all the tears they could when you shared your testimony at church last month, and I just knew I had to get you on the podcast to share that story once again for everyone to listen to, not just my audience, but hopefully people here in Japan far and wide because it is such an incredible story. And so Brian, first of all, thank you for saying yes to sharing, and I am just gonna let you take it away. I want you to start from the very beginning of what God did for you and how he radically changed your life.

Brian:

Sure. Well, first off, thanks for having me and uh, it's a pleasure to be here. my name is Brian Shibata. Um, I am born and raised in Toronto. my parents are immigrants to from Japan. My father is from Hokkaido. My mother's from Osaka. Hmm. and when they came to Canada, they met each other and they, they built a life there, and that's when I was born. And I, I spent the first 18 years of my life there, and then I moved to Japan after 18 and pretty much my entire life I was, I was atheist. I didn't believe in God. I thought actually people who believed in God were actually idiots. And yeah. Before I talk about my journey of Christ, just talking about how I was, uh, born and raised. But, um, in my, in, in my home, I was, there was no religion. We didn't practice religion growing up. And, um, when I was a child, we were very poor. Um, we were struggling to make ends meet and my father was working all the time and my mother was a housewife. And my parents were very, um, they were struggling a lot to, to just, you know, feed us and everything. And I think. Oh, sorry, I'm, I'm getting a little nervous talking.

Kayley:

No, you know, that's, that's okay.

Brian:

yeah, there was a lot of fighting and arguing in the household and from, from a very young age, uh, from when I was around four or five years old, my father was quite abusive. Whenever, whenever I would misbehave or do something wrong, he would kick me or he would just hit me and just throw me down the stairs and my mother would. Always tell me, you know, like, just bury all these negative thoughts you have inside you, just don't, don't talk about them and

Kayley:

just so, so when you were beat by your father mm-hmm. Would you run to your mom to look for help or,

Brian:

My mom, no, she would, she wouldn't stop. She would be in the, in the same room, but she wouldn't stop the beatings.'cause, you know, um, I think my, my mother disagreeing to my father was, was, was something that would set my father more on fire. So he, she would just let him do his thing kind of.

Kayley:

Mm. So you really didn't have anyone that was rescuing you from those moments.

Brian:

Yeah. No.

Kayley:

And so when she told you you just need to shove all your feelings down. Mm-hmm. When did she tell you that? Was that after you were beat, she would just come and console you and tell you that something,

Brian:

it would happen after the beating. And you know, once when I was, when my father was, was finished and I was just in the corner crying, and then my mother would tell me, you know, like, just hold it all inside you and just. Don't, don't ever talk about it until you forget about it. And once you forget about it, just continue. Like repeat that process. So that was taught at me, that was taught at a very young age.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

Yeah.

Kayley:

Okay, so you're raised in a very non-religious home. Mm-hmm. Which is standard for Japan. There's not a lot of religion in Japan. I've heard it's Shinto, uh, which is that a derivative of Buddhism?

Brian:

Um, yeah, it's a form of Buddhism. I would say most Japanese people, they would say that they're Buddhist. Uh, but they don't practice it. Like my parents, like, they never practice Buddhism. Okay. But they would always tell themselves that they're Buddhist. Interesting. So I think that's very interest. Yeah. I think that's very common in Japan. Okay. Japanese culture.

Kayley:

Okay. So keep going with your story. Uh,

Brian:

yes. So, um, yeah, growing up, um, I, I, I was, I was, it was always at home. It was always flight or flight. And, my father was very abusive, but I think I always told myself that I'm gonna stand up for myself, stand up for what I believe it was, right. So whenever I would disagree with something that my parents would say, my father would get very mad and he would be abusive, but I would never succumb to whatever he was saying. Like, you know, like, yeah, you'll never turn out to be nothing. And I'll be like, no. Like, I don't believe in that. But, it was very, um, I, I always had to fight for, fight for my, I, I wouldn't say right, but like, just basically fight for my own space.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Brian:

And so being at home was very, um, to me it was, I think when I was around eight or so, I had to, Basically believing myself that, you know, in order for me to live in this household, like I have to learn to survive on my own.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

So, yeah, it, it was, I learned survival from a very young age.

Kayley:

Did you have any teachers or any friends outside of the home that you sought refuge in?

Brian:

Um. Not really, because I think at that age I didn't, I didn't feel comfortable telling, telling other people what was going on in the house. Yeah. Like I was kind of ashamed of it. I kind of blamed myself for a lot of the abuse that happened.'cause you know, my fathers always taught me that, you know, I'm only abusing you because you're misbehaving. So I kind of took it that, you know, I was in the wrong. So, yeah. Yeah. I never really felt comfortable talking about it at a young age.

Kayley:

Okay. So what precipitated your move back to Japan?

Brian:

My story to coming to Japan when I was 18 was basically, um, after finishing high school, I just, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, but I realized that living at home was very toxic.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Brian:

Um, so I needed to leave and. At that time, I thought, you know, maybe moving to Japan would be a good idea just to, you know, just hit the reset button in my life, I was, I wasn't happy, uh, at school. I didn't, I didn't have really many close friends and, um, I think one of the biggest things for me was that I just, I just wanted to get out on my own.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Brian:

And I remember when I told my, told my mom. My mother the first time that, you know, I wanna move to Japan. She was like, that's the dumbest thing ever. It's like, you're gonna fail. And when when I told my father the same thing, he was like, yeah, like. Like a spoiled brat. Like, you won't be able to make it. You're not gonna, like, you'll, you'll amount to nothing. And I was like, okay. So that, that, that just set my mind, that, you know, like it just re reaffirmed that leaving was the right decision for me.

Kayley:

Mm-hmm.

Brian:

So I told my parents like, I'm gonna go with or without your blessing. Yeah. And if it's without your blessing, then I'm just gonna, I'm just gonna like, literally cut ends with my parents. So I was, I, I was prepared to. That's what I was prepared to do when I came to Japan. So, and in the end when they knew I was serious 'cause. When I said I'm gonna move to Japan, they didn't think I was serious. But then when I told them, you know, I bought a plane ticket and I saved enough money to move to Japan, then that's when they said, okay, you know what? You can go to Japan and you know, we won't give you our blessings, but you know, just do whatever you want with your life. So

Kayley:

I'm sure for you, having been in such an abusive, toxic household, that probably just felt like hell to you. So what, what's scary about going to some place that you've never been, and who knows if you'll survive, but it's probably better than what you've known.

Brian:

absolutely. for me, Japan was kind of like an adventure to me. Yeah.'cause I didn't, I didn't under, I, I didn't speak Japanese fluently at that point. But, um, rather than living at home, like, just for me, like I new start was exactly what I wanted. So. Like, there was a lot of things that, that, that was, that I was worried about if I, if I moved to Japan, like what am I gonna do, like with a job, friends, a place to stay? But just more than that was just, uh, the need to leave home Hmm. Was I think, stronger than anything I've ever, ever assaulted in my life.

Kayley:

Wow. So, so how did you get your start here?

Brian:

So, yeah, good question. Um, I, I came here with a thousand dollars to my name. And when I came here, I stayed at my, my, my aunt's place. Okay. But her place was very, very small. Like she lived with her uncle and her mother, and they lived in like literally a one room apartment and it was very small, so Wow. I immediately needed to find a place to stay on my own. And, when I was looking around, a lot of the, a lot of the places that were offering rent were quite expensive, like a few thousand dollars just to move in. And I remember walking around, uh, walking around my, my aunt's place and I saw, uh, uh, a dorm that was open. For, for university students. And I called the place and I told them, I'm not a student, but can I move in? And she goes like, oh no, I'm sorry. Like, we only allow students. And I was like, and I was like, okay, I, I can't take no for an answer. I need, I need a place to stay. So, so I, I told, I told the person, it's like, I came from ge, I came from Canada and I don't have a place to stay and I'm 18 and I really need to, I really need to find a place to stay. And she was like, what? Who are you? And I was like, um, I'm in front of your apartment right now. And she was like, hold on a sec, let me come visit you. So she came to see me and when I told her my story, she was like, wow, like you came to Japan on your own at 18? And I was like, yeah. And she was like, okay, so we'll give you a special exception. So,

Kayley:

oh my goodness. Yeah. And it was supposed to be a college dorm and you got in. It

Brian:

was, yeah.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

And, um, they, they, they waived all the front fees for me. And the rent was only $200 a month. So that was something I can afford. So thank God. So I found a place to stay. Now the next was to find a job, but I didn't even know how to find a job. I couldn't even write a resume. Like my, my Japanese writing was so messy. And, um, I remember thinking like, what am I gonna do for a job? And, um. when I was reading a magazine at a convenience store, there was a universal studio Japan was opening and they were hiring 5,000 staff for their opening. And I was, okay, maybe I can get this job and that would be a start. And I called them and sure enough, I got the job. So now I have a place to stay. I have a job, now I can finally make money. But, um, my funds were quite short at that time. Yeah. So, and when I, when I started to work, the pay was literally. I had to wait two months before I got my first paycheck. Oof. So the last 30 days, I think I was on a $2 a day budget. I couldn't even afford to train. I was walking probably an hour to, or two hours just to, just to get to work. So.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

Yeah,

Kayley:

I mean, that's commitment, but I feel like when you're 18, you've. You've got the energy to do it. If there's ever a time to, to live like that. Yeah. It's when you're 18.

Brian:

Yeah, when you hit rock bottom and you know, you tell yourself that, you know, like, you're gonna get out of this. Mm-hmm. You don't have time to dwell on like what you don't have.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Brian:

So it's like, what am I gonna do? Like what's that next step I can take? And then what's the next step after that? So it's like just taking step after step after step. Until you finally get to a place like, okay, finally, now you can breathe. So,

Kayley:

wow. Looking back, uh, you know, you being a Christian now, can you see God's hand moving in your life during that time?

Brian:

At that time, no. I, I didn't, I didn't see any God inside me. Like, I think growing up in a very chaotic household, like I, I had to believe in myself. So in my mind, I was like, there is no God. Like I have to protect myself. I have to look after myself. Hmm. So at that point in my life, I didn't believe in God and I, I still thought that at that time in my life, that people who believe in God were fools, so

Kayley:

wow. Yeah. So when did that change?

Brian:

It changed at a much, much later day when I was, when I, when I had, when I hit 40, I think, when I hit 40, 41.

Kayley:

So you've got about 22 years there.

Brian:

Yeah. 20.

Kayley:

Yeah. So tell me about the moments that led up to you finally giving your life to the Lord or believing that there was a God.

Brian:

Yeah, sure. Um, so. Once I came to Japan, I finally, you know, I settled in and I started to make a life for myself. The first job I found after USJ, when I was working for a Japanese company, like they would always la they would label me as, you know, like, you are, you're, you're a Canadian, so you know, you're not gonna work hard like a typical Japanese person. So that was kind of like the label that was given to me when I first started working, which is around 19. And at that time I was like, okay, you know what, like, I'm gonna work harder than, than, than even the, the locals and the Japanese people because, and, and Japanese people are really dedicated to their work. But I was like, I'm just gonna put myself more into my work. And I think at a young age, I knew how to channel a lot of negative energy. Like people's disbelief in me was what, what, what, what was my fuel? Wow. My mother telling me, I'll, I'll amount to nothing. Or, you know, my father telling me I'm worthless. And those are the things that, you know, kind of propelled me like, you know what, I'll, I'll tell you otherwise, like, I will, I'll prove you wrong kind of thing. So I use negativity to fuel me. And, you know, even when I came to Japan, a lot of people were like, you know what, you're, you're not Japanese enough. I would tell them, well, I'm not because I'm from Canada. But they would be like, oh, you're so disrespectful. You should be more, you should be more Japanese. I was like, yeah, that's why I'm here. I'm here to learn. But like, I just kept telling myself that, you know, like I, I, I, I always found a way to fuel myself through negativity. Mm-hmm. Which is, which is the only way I knew how to do. And I did that for as long as I can remember. And I think when I came into my late thirties, I was going through severe burnout, and at that time I think I have literally done everything in my own power I could to, to channel my own negative energy in any way possible. I was addicted to gambling, like very heavily addicted. what started off as a 1000 yen per night at its peak was I was probably gambling a million yen a day, and this went on for years and years. So I would always find coping mechanisms deal with all the anxiety and rage that I was just keep on suppressing in myself. Yeah. And yeah, this went on to the point where. I, I just, I was completely lost and when I was, uh, I got married when I was, I think 34, 35, and my, uh, I had a daughter and she was around four, and that, that's when my anxiety hit its peak. And I just, I, I had so much rage inside me and I just, and I would, I would fight with my wife a lot and we would have a lot of disagreements and I think. Every time we disagreed, she, it felt like it was a trigger to me. Like a lot of my, I, I was, I would remember a lot of my childhood traumas that, you know, my parents never agreed on anything. They always disagree. They always fought, they never, they never worked things out together and they would always resent each other. So whenever I had a disagreement with my wife and she would. She would not agree with me, it would trigger me to, to my childhood trauma, and it would just set me off. It's like, okay, so she doesn't agree with me, so I'll, what, what is it gonna take for her to, to agree with me? And I would just con like, continue to argue with her until she understood what I was saying. And you know, we. That went on for years and years and we were just fighting and fighting and fighting. And it got to the point where it's like, you know, we, maybe we should divorce if we can't agree on things. And when we told, when I told my daughter that, you know. Mommy and daddy might divorce, but we know this is none of this is your fault. And we, and we, and we both love you so much. She just couldn't stop crying. Wow. And yeah, and she, and she said, you know, daddy, leave it to me like, like, leave it to me. I will, I, I will make sure this family stays together. And that really hit me to my core. So, and, and I told myself like, is this so important for me to be right all the time? I think that was the moment where, you know, I just let go of all the, the pride and ego that I had. Mm-hmm. And, I, I, uh, I asked God to take away my rage and my anxiety and. It, it, it, it, it took about a year for me to really get rid of a, a lot of my old habits, but I think at that time in my life, I finally let go of everything and the next day I told my wife, you know, I, I, I, I think I see things differently now. Mm-hmm. I just. I don't need to be right anymore. I just wanna be supportive to you.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

And yeah, that was, that was really the moment that I, I, I, for the first time more than ever, I felt God's presence in my heart. But

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

Yeah. It, it, like, I mean, I grew up in a life where, God wasn't supposed to be in my life. Like the, the, the life that I lived, like, you know, I was, I was for self, like I was meant for self-destruction. But, you know, through the grace of God, I finally gave up on my, you know. I believing in myself. Mm-hmm. And the moment when I started to trust my own thoughts and I, and I, and I, and I put it in the hands of God, like all the healing in my heart began and a lifetime's worth of anxiety and rage and all these negative feelings that I had inside me just started to go away little by little.

Kayley:

Wow. God is so good.

Brian:

God is great.

Kayley:

You know your little girl saying, don't worry, daddy, I'm gonna fix this. She was four, five.

Brian:

Yeah, she was four at the time.

Kayley:

I feel like there are probably a lot of kids that are product of divorce that likely felt if I would've just done more, maybe my parents would still be together. And so I, I mean, my parents are not divorced. I grew up with two loving parents. I never lacked love, I never lacked support. Uh, but I cannot imagine what it would feel like to be a little girl. With the weight of her parents' marriage on her shoulders. And I just, I'm in a way like so glad that it broke you, that you saw that as, wait a second. This is not, this is the reverse of, of what it should be. I actually am responsible for my marriage, not my daughter who was four years old. Yeah. but you said you finally decided to let God. have a chance in maybe changing your perspective. So my question for you is, when did you start allowing yourself to consider that God actually existed? Because something must have led you to that place where you finally left atheism behind and said, my life is such a mess. Maybe there is a God. Yeah. When, when did you start contemplating that maybe there is a God?

Brian:

Yeah. Uh, great question. I think when my anxiety got to a boiling point, like I just, I, I was thinking therapy, I was thinking, you know, what can I do, you know, self-help, meditate, uh, cold plunges saunas. I, I, I tried everything but nothing was working okay. And that's when, um, uh, I watched this YouTube videos with a guy named Johnny Chang,

Kayley:

and

Brian:

he was so articulate with. How he had met God.

Kayley:

Hmm.

Brian:

And it just like what he said, uh, was his whole life, he trusted himself.

Kayley:

Hmm. And he

Brian:

trusted his own thoughts. And he was completely miserable.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

And that really hit home. It's like, wow, that's, that's me. And he kind of grew up in a similar childhood where there was a lot of, uh, abuse growing up. Mm-hmm. So, I really resonated with what he said, and, and he, he articulated in a way that even, even a nonbeliever can be like, you know what? Like that, that makes sense. Yeah. And I think I got to the point where, in my life where it's like, I've done everything I could. To get me as far as I could on my own.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Brian:

But I was miserable. Wow. Like I, I was just completely miserable and I was like, it makes sense. To not trust myself. Wow. If I'm miserable. Yeah. So that's, that's actually when I had the courage to, to email Pastor James. The very next day, I emailed Pastor James, like, why don't you come into church? And when I came to see him, you know, like I, I, I told him about everything I was going through and when I talked to him, I was kind of hoping for like a, you know, like, so here's what you gotta do, this is what you have to do to get to God. And you know, this is a step by step instruction. So that's what I was. Wow. No, that's what I was looking forward to when I saw him and when I talked to him about my pain and, you know, when I was hoping for answers, what he said to me was, you know, God loves you. And I, I, I remember it's like. What, like what am I supposed to do with that? Like, yeah. And at that time, you know, I didn't understand, like I just, I, I was curious about God, but I didn't understand and I didn't, I didn't know what that meant when he said, God loves you. And I was like, okay, so, so, okay, what am I supposed to do? And, and

Kayley:

wow.

Brian:

But he said it again. And you know, God loves you just, just the way you are and. that really hit me in my heart. Yeah. Because I didn't love myself. I, I hated myself.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

And how can God love me when I don't love myself?

Kayley:

Yeah.

Brian:

And. That's when I, that's when, that's when I heard God for the first time in my life. I heard God's voice in my heart, and it wasn't loud. It was a very small voice, and he said, I've always been here with you. Ugh. And that, that really, that really hit home to me. He's like, I'm just, I have flashbacks of my childhood memories. You know, when, there was, at times when I was contemplating suicide, but there was a voice inside me and he's like, no, don't do it. Hold on.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

I thought that was my inner conscience. But those were, those were God's. Like I remember now, like those were God's voices telling me in my heart, don't give up. Don't give up. And

Kayley:

wow.

Brian:

And, when he said, what, what do you want? And I said, I want, I want my, I want my rage and my anxiety to go away and God said it's done. That's when, that's when the transformation happened I hadn't, I hadn't understood how to love myself, and I didn't know how, because you know, in my mind, my own parents don't even love me. And you know, how can I love myself when, when nobody that's supposed to love me loves me? So I don't know how to do that. But by accepting God's love was the first time in my life that I had felt peace.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

And that really. I think the very next day, like I felt a huge weight lifted off of my back and that really just, it just felt so, I've never felt so good in my life before and I was like this. If this is what Chris Christianity feels like, if this is what believe in God, I feel like I've been missing out on a lot. Wow. So he, he really started to heal my, childhood trauma and a lot of my pain that I was holding in for so long. But, you know.'cause I have lived for over 40 years as a, as a non-believer. Like I still clinged onto my old habits. Yeah. Even after God told me, you know, he loved me just the way I am, I was still arguing with my wife and I was still having disagreements. So even, even after God changed my heart, what I realized that I didn't truly love myself.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

And you know, I was still being prideful. I was still being self-righteous and. That's when, you know, we got to the point where maybe if, if we can't agree with each other, then maybe we should divorce. And that's when, that's when my daughter took it on herself to carry the burden that I was supposed to carry. And that's when I realized that, you know, like I just, I, I had accepted God's love, but I had, I had not truly loved myself. So that's why I was still clinging onto my own pride. Wow. That's when I, I, I just said, you know what, just it's not worth it. And I was confusing a lot of, I was projecting a lot of my child trauma towards my wife because my parents always. Disagreed on everything, and they never talked about anything. So I told myself I would do the opposite. I would, I would talk for hours and hours and hours until, until my wife understood my point of view. Hmm. But in reality, I was just forcing, forcing her to accept my opinion. Wow. And I would, and I wasn't accepting hers, so I was actually doing. I was doing the same thing my parents were doing. So, and, and I didn't realize that because from my whole, my whole, my mindset was, you know what, I'm not gonna be like my parents. I'm not gonna turn out like them, so I'm gonna do the opposite of what they're doing. But, you know, I was still believing I was still self-righteous I was believing that I was in the right, and when my wife would disagree with me, I would always tell myself that I'm the victim because I have to put up with all this stuff. So I would create all these false narratives in my mind.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

And a lot of it was rooted in because I didn't love myself. I was, I was being, I was being angry towards my wife. I, I think the, the biggest difference in my heart was when I told myself, you know, being right or wrong, doesn't it, you know, if it's not worth it, like if it's gonna, if it's gonna destroy the family that I built and cause so much harm to my daughter, then, then I don't care about being right or wrong anymore. Like.

Kayley:

Wow. I just

Brian:

wanna, I just wanna be the, I just wanna be the husband I dreamed of. I wanna be the, the, the father that, that, you know, I always wanted to be. So just letting go of all that and, you know, without God's grace and none of this would've happened. So.

Kayley:

it's, it's think it's really important to mention that you had an encounter with God. Mm-hmm. Before this happened with your daughter. And I think. If I can just make an observation. Sure. What it sounds like happened is in your humility of seeking out a church, I'm assuming you just looked for a Christian Church to visit. Yeah. And then you find new hope. Mm-hmm. You reach out to Pastor James, like that is all humility. Mm-hmm. God favors the, the humble, but opposes the proud. So you decided, okay. In my humility, maybe there is a God, and maybe this could be the way for me. So you go, you hear God's voice. Mm-hmm. You're humbled, you recognize that he loves you. All of these old beliefs are starting to fall away. Mm-hmm. So that you're able to see with new eyes Yeah. The circumstance that you're living in and then realize, this is not how I wanna live. Yeah. I just think like. The revelation of God, of hearing his voice for the first time had to happen before you recognized the pain. Yeah. That your decisions were causing in, in your home. God is so good. Yeah. He's so good in the timing of how everything can unfold. Yeah. So. Tell me now.'cause this really wasn't that long ago. Was this like a year ago?

Brian:

yeah, it was really recent. Like, uh, less than a year ago.

Kayley:

Less than a year.

Brian:

Yeah.

Kayley:

So tell me how your marriage is now.

Brian:

Oh, it's amazing. It's, it's 10, I mean, there's always room for improvement, but like every day I tell my wife, you know, you know how beautiful you are. Like, and I tell my daughter, you know, like, you're so, like, you're, you're the most amazing. Daughter that a father can have asked for. You're perfect in every way.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

Yeah. but like, be before I gave up, before I, I let go of, you know, always needing to be right. Like I would always get stressed. About small things. Yeah. Like the small things would always accumulate and then I would just blow up somewhere and, you know, all that is completely gone anymore. Now we still have disagreements, we still have arguments, but like it's, it doesn't upset me like it used to before.'cause it's, you know, I think realizing that, accepting the fact that I am and I will always be imperfect. And I will have negative thoughts, but you know, I used to let negative thoughts completely take over me. And now I'm able to distinguish that, you know, when I have negative thoughts, it's like, okay, this, this is Satan talking to me. This is trying to take over. He's not, he's not gonna do that anymore. Wow. So having, having the, being able to identify that the negative thoughts aren't who you are has been one of really big processes. So.

Kayley:

Oh, that's really powerful. The negative thoughts aren't who you are.

Brian:

Yeah. And I try to focus on the PO positive. So like, even, even like when, when we have a disagreement or something, when I might get upset in my mind immediately, like I, I would always tell myself, but, but all the good things that she does for me, like all the good things that my wife, she's always supporting me, she's always, you know, encouraging me. So, wow. Even when I get those small negative thoughts when we have disagreements, like it doesn't bother me. Nowhere near to what it, I mean, I would literally say it's probably zero right now. Like how much it bought, it used to, it used to be like a 10. Wow. Now it's literally probably 0.01.

Kayley:

My goodness. Yeah. And this is just the revelation of God loving you.

Brian:

Yeah. He, he, he truly changed my heart and in, in ways I thought was unimaginable.

Kayley:

It's like you went from being selfish to being self-aware.

Brian:

Yeah, that makes sense

Kayley:

because, and it's, and you were a victim. Mm-hmm. Rightly so

Brian:

to myself.

Kayley:

But from, it started when you were a kid, your parents, you were a victim of abuse from your parents. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then. It turned you inward because it was no longer safe to go anywhere. Mm-hmm. To go seek refuge in anyone. So now you're focused entirely on yourself of Well, I have to be my protector then, and everyone that doesn't agree with me is against me. Yeah. So it was a very self-focused Yeah. Way of living and way of operating. And of course, how are you ever going to have peace with a significant other, with a spouse if this is how you're living. Absolutely. And who knows what I mean? You know her background, you know her story. Yeah. I don't, but I know yours. And now I'm hearing someone who's incredibly self-aware you are living out. Romans where it says, take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ. Every thought that you know is not of God, that it's of the enemy. You're saying we're capturing that. We are submitting it to Jesus and saying, I know that that's the devil speaking. It's not the Lord, and who am I gonna listen to right now? Yeah. And I just think it's so incredibly powerful because. God says, like, think on what is pure, what is lovely, what is worthy of praise you turning these negative thoughts you may have about your wife and remembering the things that are worthy of praise. Look at the way my, my wife loves me. Yeah. Look at the way my, my wife supports me and helps me. That is so godly. That is godly thinking. That is good thinking. That is thinking that's going to lead towards communion and mm-hmm. Prosperity and progress and connection. And so I, I do know that your wife is not a Christian. Mm-hmm. Yet, yeah. But I wanna know where that dynamic may be shifting. Is she finding herself more open to it now?'cause she's seen a transformation in you. Where does, where does her faith look

Brian:

right now? Um, I mean, she, she believes in many gods. Okay. And in that God, she believes that Jesus is one of the gods. But, um, yeah, she, she, she knows firsthand how much Jesus has healed me in ways that even, even to her to this day, it still shocks her like, you know, like, you've changed so much.

Kayley:

Wow.

Brian:

So she knows firsthand how much God has changed my heart and also like She encourages praying before dinners and she encourages to read the Bible to, to our daughter.

Kayley:

Mm. Every now

Brian:

and then. So, um, she, she believes wholeheartedly in, in, you know, Jesus. Uh, but I think her time will come naturally to when she believes that, you know, he's the, he's the one.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Brian:

But yeah. But firsthand, she knows how much God has helped with, with everything in my life, so in our life to,

Kayley:

and she comes to church with you?

Brian:

She does. She's very, very supportive.

Kayley:

Wow. I just, that is so good.

Brian:

But we met when I was a non-believer as well too. So it's kind of hypo for, it's, it's kind of me being a hypocrite if I force. On her.'cause you know, when I had met her, we were both completely nonbelievers. So I think it will happen organically. Yeah. Just like my journey as everything has happened organically. So I think it will, it will happen organically in her time.

Kayley:

Yeah. And

Brian:

I think I just, you know, just continue to live by example.

Kayley:

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Uh, one of the greatest lessons that the Lord taught me was to be invitational. Mm-hmm. And to let him do the heavy lifting. Yeah. Uh, my, I'm just in charge of being invitational and inviting people in to conversation, to church, uh, to talking about the Lord. And talking about my story and like what God has changed and done in my life. That's the invitation. Yeah. And I am not responsible for their heart changing. I can't change their heart. Mm-hmm. But God can. Yeah. And so if I just open the door for them to walk through Yeah. That's all I'm responsible to do. And um, Lord willing, they walk through it and Lord willing, God does something in their life. Yeah. And so I'm just really thankful that he has done that for you, that he's radically changed your heart and I know things are gonna continue to shift and take new form in your home and in your family, and so absolutely. I'm just really excited for your faith journey. Um, thank you. I, I just, it's a beautiful testimony. It's a beautiful story. It makes me wanna cry. I have cried already just from listening.

Brian:

I, I think like, I really went as far like, I mean, for, for people who still don't believe in Christ right now, like I would, I would tell them, you know, like, just go to the ends of the earth with believing in yourself. Like, wow. You are gonna hit a limit somewhere eventually.'cause you know, it's, it's really like, I mean, people who think that their lives are truly happy without God, to me, I'll be like, Hey, it's not your time. Right? Like, everybody has their time and God's timing is perfect. So, you know, like I, I literally, honestly from from the bottom, my, I think I went to, I went to the depth, I went far as I go on my own, you don't, you can't deny who you are. And I was able to look myself in the mirror and say, you know, I'm completely miserable. So some people deny that they're miserable, so it's really hard to,

Kayley:

or they, they get caught up in alcohol or narcotics or,

Brian:

yeah. Or they find other coping med mechanisms and it just works out for them. But for me, like I, I. You know, the gambling was just, was just a mask for hiding. Hiding my anxiety or just, you know, not dealing with what I needed to deal with. You're just numbing out. Yeah, I was literally numbing it out and, you know, for those people who are able to, you know, make ends meet by doing that, and hey, by all means, you know, but it's not gonna last. Like yeah, you're gonna hit your limits some somehow. Yeah. So what I would say is that, you know, go to your limits. Go to your limits on your own. And once you realize, once you get to the point where it's like, you know what, I can't do it anymore.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Brian:

Then I think, I think it's, it's much easier to accept, accept God into your life when you have done it. So, but for most people, without even pushing, pushing themself that far, it makes it that much harder to truly believe in God. So

Kayley:

I think that's a really good point to make because. Go to the end of yourself. Yeah. If you, if you wanna live for yourself. Yeah. Do it to the full degree, and then look in your Yeah. You don't, yeah. Yeah. And then look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself, are you happy? Yeah.

Brian:

Yeah. And I did.

Kayley:

I just love your story so much. I mean, it, it definitely gets me in the heart because to go from. Abuse and to complete self-hatred, to running off to a, a different country. Even though you spoke a little Jap Japanese, you didn't, you weren't fluent. Mm-hmm. Even though you were Japanese by heritage, by family, the Japanese people rejected you. Mm-hmm. And. And then to find yourself angry, full of grief and anxiety and rage to see your marriage crumble. I mean, to be the gambling addict, you really have just ran the gamut and what a testimony to see God redeem all of that and heal the parts in in your heart that were just so s sad and defeated. And that's just what he does. He's the great restorer. He's the great redeemer. He is pure love. He's the kind of love that casts out all kinds of fear. Yeah. And so thank you for telling me your story, and I'm so excited to share this with the community, the Bible Bish community. And so thank you for tuning in. I hope that you were encouraged by Brian's testimony. I hope that. If you see yourself in his shoes before he gave his life to the Lord, I hope that you decide to turn that rage back to God and say, Lord, can you take this away? He doesn't. He has no desire for you to live in rage, to live in anxiety. He actually wants the opposite for you. Mm-hmm. He wants you to live in peace that passes understanding. He wants you to live in joy that is incomprehensible, and he has that available to you even if you are a Christian, and you're dealing with rage and you're dealing with anxiety. That is not the story God wants for your life. So can you lay it down at his feet? Can you give it over to him? Can you go to him in humility and say, Lord, take this away, because he will, and Brian is the result of that happening. So thank you, Brian. Thank you. Yay. All good.