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The Day I Walked Away From God | Guest: Jarrett Hartness

• Kayley Bishop

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My dear friend, Jarrett Hartness, was convinced he was the one God had finally given up on. Abandoned by father figures, swallowed by alcoholism, wrecked by breakups, and crushed by a traumatic brain injury, his faith didn’t just waver… it collapsed.

But the day he threw his Bible and declared, “I’m not a Christian anymore,” God leaned in closer and said, “I will never leave you.”

In this episode, we talk about the silver lining in suffering, what being a tough, manly man really means, and why you can’t run God off.

If you’ve ever wondered if you’ve messed up too much for God to still want you, this episode will give you hope. He does want you. He always has.

Thanks for tuning in to Bible Bish!

Come for the tea, stay for the truth -you just might leave changed. 🕊️

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💌 Got a testimony or question? Email me at kayley@biblebish.com

In the name of love, this is your Bible Bish reporting for duty. ♡

Jarrett:

I had done everything I could do for God to leave me and that I was done. That was it. You screwed up. This is the last straw. No redemption. No hope, no joy outta this. And I had my Bible I threw it on the hood of my mom's car. And I said, mom, I guess I'm not a Christian anymore.

Kayley:

Welcome, everybody. My name is Kayley Bishop. I am the Bible Bish podcast host, and I'm just so glad that you found your way to this little pocket of the internet, of the Web, of iTunes, Spotify, whatever you're on to watch this. Listen to this. And I just want you to know I care about you, and I know that sounds cheesy, and you're like, you don't even know me. You don't care about me. But the truth is, I really do. I care about you so much that I have thrown my reputation to the wind in order so that you can listen to my breakthrough moments, the good, the bad, and the ugly, and the breakthrough moments of my guests, the good, bad, and ugly, because we care too much for you to be walking, chained up, ashamed, afraid, all of the things like you. God, God loves you so much and Jesus paid it all so that you could be free. And so if my story helps you get free and my guest's stories helps you get free, then that's an answer to my prayer and it's the reason why we're doing this. So that being said, welcome to Bible Bish. And I've got my dear friend, Jarrett Hartness with me. He is a beautiful songwriter in Nashville, Tennessee. He is a man's man. He, you know, it sounds like he's got things sliding out his mouth when he talks. He's from Arkansas, he loves hunting and fishing. He wears cowboy boots and you know, he's that kind of man's man. And so Jarrett, why don't you go ahead and tell everybody hello. And the first thing I want you to say is why you love the Lord.

Jarrett:

Well, thanks for having me first off. You know, I, I grew up, um, my grandpa was a Baptist preacher and his dad was a Baptist preacher, and they were both very well known, uh, preachers down where I come from, which isn't hard 'cause it's so small. We're probably all cousins to begin with, but, it's very small, small area. Um, so I grew up in church from the time as a, as far back as I can remember. and I always knew God, I always knew God was real. I mean, when you talked about Jesus, for me, it was like you were just talking about someone that was there in the room with you. Like I always Oh, that's good. Always knew that. And it, at seven, I made a profession of faith. Um, and then at 13, I was truly saved. I think at seven, I, there was maybe a spiritual connection, but you're, I think you're so young at that young point. You're so young, you don't really know Exactly, yeah, the full extent. But at 13, I was heavily convicted. Felt like the Holy Spirit walked me down the aisle. I'll never forget it. And it was a life changing moment. so I have always, uh, known him and, and as time has gone on and I've grown in my relationship with him, I think that I've, I've come to love him for different reasons. As a, as a kid, it was just'cause Well, it's, it's God. Yeah. You know? And that at, at 13 it's, well, I don't wanna go to hell. You know, that's Baptist. Baptist. Right, right. And then at, you know, at 30 now it's, I've knowing his grace and knowing his character, that's been a big thing for me the last few years. His character. Yeah. Who, who is he?'cause there is a lot of ways that I was taught coming from a very strict hellfire and brimstone Baptist upbringing. Mm-hmm. Yes. That sometimes they just make God sound like a jerk.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Jarrett:

And he is not.

Kayley:

I've been there

Jarrett:

and that's the thing for where I'm at now is like learning his character and that's why I love him now'cause he is forgiven me. He's, you know, he's brought me through impossible situations. So it seems like the different seasons of life, I've fallen in love with him for different reasons. And I think the last few years has just been learning his true character and his true identity. Yeah. Who he truly is. How he reacts.'cause it, it's one, like when you read the Bible as a, as a young kid for it, you read it like words on the paper. Mm-hmm. The more you get to know Christ mm-hmm. You read it as a personality coming back, like talking to you. Right. So learning that personality, and who he is, it's so good. Brings the word to life even more.

Kayley:

Yeah. I actually feel like there was a definitive moment between me reading the Old Testament before. I was born again in a way. Right. And then after being born again, because when I first read the Old Testament, I mean, it's a historical, it feels like a historical masterpiece. Yeah. It's so incredible to read. But I mean, there's death, there's gore, there's rape, there's like, it's messy and it's crazy. Um, and it was kind of shocking. But when you read the Old Testament, I think the first impression I had was like, man, God's like scary. He's kind of like, he's really hard. Yeah. But then the second time I read it, all I saw was this theme of mercy. Wow. God loves Israel so much, while God loves people so much. Yeah. And it's, but you, you read it through a different lens, I think when you really begin to know the character of God. Yeah. When you see his redemptive story fold unfold in your life, when you see what he has rescued you from, and then you know, you just see that he's always on a rescue mission. That's his heart. He wants to rescue us from. Uh, from the enemy, but also from ourselves. Yeah. Always.

Jarrett:

if I read something that Jesus says and, and when I read it, it seems like he's being a bit snarky or a bit of a jerk. But then I go, that's not the Jesus I know.

Kayley:

Exactly.

Jarrett:

And, and so as you, as you mature in faith and learning his character, you learn how to read- the same way if I text you something Yeah. And you read it a certain way, yeah. That doesn't mean that's how I typed it. Hearing someone speak it Yeah. Is different because there's tone and there's depth

Kayley:

I had this moment actually just yesterday, I don't know if you're familiar with the parts in scripture, where like lust and wickedness is often used with her like pronouns. Mm-hmm. So like she, she will wreck you. She's the adulteress, she's gonna come and, you know, be, be wary of the adulteress. Like, yeah. I'm like, okay, I'm seeing wickedness personified as a woman. I'm seeing lust personified as a woman. And I was like, what is that God? Like, why is that? And the answer I found was that just as wickedness is personified as a woman, so is wisdom per personified as a woman. And I think innate to women, we have this power to influence and inspire. Yeah. And so like, you know, you see like the idea of an adulterous woman, a lusting woman, like coaxing men into a lare. It's like, well, you know, like we can either. We can either seduce or we can sanctify.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

Like we have two options here as women just innately with what we're built to do. And, um, but anyway, like that was a moment that I had. I'm like, God, like what is this thing? Like, are are you mad at women? Like it goes back to the garden, like, are you mad at Eve? It's, is it all because of Eve? Like, because for centuries, uh, the church and just culture in general has put women into this subservient role. And I know that that's not, that's not necessarily God's nature. Like he created us equal with different strengths and different, different roles, but equal. And, um, and so anyway, that was, that's an offshoot. That's probably, uh, another episode. But anyway, continue on character, the character of God.

Jarrett:

Yeah. I mean, just, just learning his character and, and just that he's kind. Yeah. I think if I, if that, that's been a word that's really described him the last few years for me is kind and I, I have my biggest fear was always being left and being

Kayley:

like left behind

Jarrett:

deserted. Mm-hmm. Well, not only left behind, but like, God not being with me in life. Mm. Like, and I think that a lot of that goes back to my childhood with father figures. Mm-hmm. Plural that I had in my life. Mm-hmm. and love was, uh, dependent on what you did or how you performed in certain areas. Mm-hmm. And so I think that I related my human experiences to God and the scripture that stands out to me is God's not a liar. His man is. So if he says something, yeah. That's so good. That's so if he says something, it's true. He is, he's, it doesn't change his mind. What he speaks is truth and he can't tell a lie because if he told a lie, then he wouldn't be God because God's character is truth. So I lived in fear for a very long time that, that God was going to leave me. Wow. Or that I, there was gonna come a point where you screwed up for the last time. I'm done with you.

Kayley:

Yeah. people can relate to that. Both men and women of like the abandonment wound from a parent. Yeah. Of like, well, if my earthly parent leaves me, then surely that's you, you, you do, you you put that experience on top of God and God's like, that's not my nature.

Jarrett:

And I, and I certainly did it even more so with my grandpa from a standpoint of when we had problems, he was the preacher, right? Mm-hmm. So in my mind as a kid, he was the closest thing to God. Mm. Right? Mm-hmm. His character,

Kayley:

yep.

Jarrett:

Was God's character because how he acts is how God acts, because isn't that his job? Right? Yep. And the older you get, the more you learn that no one's gonna walk that line, but Jesus,

Kayley:

no. We all fall short of the glory of God.

Jarrett:

I had a breakthrough a few years ago about that. I still have days where it creeps up on me. But you know, the scripture that I literally for a year, every night I read the scripture that, nothing in all the creation shall separate us from the love of God through Christ Jesus, our Lord.

Kayley:

That's so good.

Jarrett:

My favorite verse in the Bible. and, and when Paul is writing all that, you know, he says he's naming off all of these, these different things, life nor death, nor heaven, nor angels, nor rulers and demons and yeah. All of these things that he is naming off shall separate us. Yeah. From Christ. Well, it's like God created everything. Yeah. God's the creator. And he says, nothing in all of creation will separate us. So that covers everything. And

Kayley:

that's so good

Jarrett:

when he's writing that. I read it as like, Paul's picking a fight. Like he, it's a very intense moment is how I read it, of that he's the people he's writing to. It's a very intense moment of I'm telling you now Yeah. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing will separate us. And that's coming from a guy that was chopping Christian's heads off. Yeah. You know, before he had his Damascus road experience, so I guess he chopped Christian's heads off. I don't know if that's how he did it, but

Kayley:

Right, right, right, right. Anyway, he was, he was persecuting hardcore.

Jarrett:

Yes. Yes. So a terrorist of his, of his time is how I would describe him.

Kayley:

But he also doesn't speak for no reason. I mean, any letter that you read of Paul's, he was specifying the language towards a certain demographic, towards a certain culture. Yeah. And so if he was telling those people there's nothing you can do. Yeah. To, for, for him to leave you. Yeah. They probably had a very deep seated fear that God would leave them. Yeah. I mean, especially if we're talking to Jews who are so fixated on the law right now, they're telling, now they're being told you are no longer under the law. You're actually under this grace that God is providing for you. And that's a hard thing to comprehend when all you know is, well, if I do this, then I'll be good.

Jarrett:

Right. Right. But that's,

Kayley:

but that's anything. It doesn't have to be Jewish law. I mean, even the Gentiles have their own rules and regulations and laws. And so I think as humans, we thrive in structure, but we also get our value from being good in that structure. And God's like, I am on a different wavelength than that.

Jarrett:

Performance does not Yeah. bring God's love on us. No. And that, and that's something that I, I still, struggle with at times is feeling like I had to perform

Kayley:

yeah. There are times that I've had, like, I've, I've really struggled to hear God and I immediately thought it was because I did something wrong. Like, oh, God's just not talking to me because I didn't forgive this person. Right. Or whatever. And that's so the enemy, the enemy wants us to believe that because if we start adopting that limiting belief, then God, then we really do shut off God's voice. Yeah.'cause we're believing the lie.

Jarrett:

Yep.

Kayley:

but I, you know, the, the easy way to fix that is be like, no, the Lord said he's never going to leave me. The Lord says he cares about me and that I'm his daughter. And why would he treat his daughter that way? No, he loves

Jarrett:

me. Right. And that's, that's absolutely true. And that's something that performance does not bring his love even more. I mean, I think that when we do things, he, it makes him proud, so to say,

Kayley:

well, it's a byproduct, right? Yeah. Faith without Works is dead. Yeah. But we do it 'cause we love him. Yeah. Like, you love to serve God because you love him. Yeah.'cause he did so much for you.

Jarrett:

Doing things for him does not earn his love. No. And that was all done on the cross

Kayley:

That's so good. So tell me more about your grandfather.

Jarrett:

Man, you know, he was my best friend and there was also a lot of trauma from that. Because he wasn't perfect.

Kayley:

Mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

But I thought he hung the moon.

Kayley:

Mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

And in some ways he still does for me.

Kayley:

Mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

he was a character, true southern jokester. he grew up, uh, in the sixties and seventies, late sixties, early seventies in the hot rod muscle car era. And him and his buddies, were street racers, drag racers, and they, uh, I mean it was like a legit or organization

Kayley:

like they should have been arrested.

Jarrett:

Oh. Well, they had to send a state trooper undercover to, to stop him. And then they still kept racing after that. But like it was, and

Kayley:

he clearly had a transformation moment where he's like, oh, I'm gonna be a Preacher now. Yeah.

Jarrett:

They, they weren't doing anything bad. Like it wasn't uhhuh, you know, my grandpa says that one of the greatest compliments he ever got was the state trooper actually said in court that this is the most organized group of outlaws I've ever met. They're not hurting anybody. Wow. They're just breaking the street laws. Right. And in those days there wasn't a state troopers down there. It was just like your local county cops. They one or two cops.

Kayley:

Mm.

Jarrett:

And they couldn't keep up with 'em, man. Mm-hmm. I mean, they, they would put it in the paper like drag races on highway so and so Friday night, and the cops would show up on that highway and they'd be out racing on another highway. Mm-hmm. You know, just to throw 'em off. And so cars for me, I grew up, Jesus and race cars. That was it. That's good. And, when I was 11, his first car was a 66 Pontiac GTO. So my whole life, all I wanted as a kid. All I talked about was Pontiac GTOs. And as a 10 or 11-year-old kid, I could tell you anything and everything about Pontiac GTOs and the Muscle car era because I just sat and read about it all the time. So when I was 11, he surprised me. He had bought a 67 Pontiac GTO. Mm-hmm. And it was basically not a car. It had grass growing through it. We had to do a complete restoration on it. But we restored that car together cars were very influential on me.

Kayley:

It sounds like he was influential. Yes. He was like was, he was. Yeah. It it's like your livelihood, your interests, your hobbies, your dreams, everything. It was all kind of in line with this grandfather figure of yours. So like, I want, I, you know, you told me we were writing a song the other day for all the, y'all listening, he was telling me about kind of like a really a dip in the relationship at one point. And, and I know it was, it had to go with your brain injury. And so I want you to talk about your brain injury, but I want you to talk about. Also like what happened in that moment where you were not on speaking terms with your grandfather?

Jarrett:

Yeah, so I think that when I was 19, we're not sure if there wasn't some mental stuff going on with him as he aged.

Kayley:

Mm-hmm.' Jarrett: cause he, his and I'm sure that I wasn't just the most outstanding teenager you've ever been around. Mm-hmm. but I wanted to move to Nashville. I wanted to chase music. Poppy thought that was stupid. You know, you ought to have a full-time job by the time you're 18 and if you're not gonna go to college or whatever, and even then you should probably have a full-time job too. Uh, that's kind of how he looked at it. And, and maybe he's right, but I had Nashville on my mind. Mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

there's just something during that season that he wasn't happy with me. Mm-hmm. And. there was no mutual respect on either side and we just, our relationship really took a bad turn. And me being the smart mouth 19-year-old kid that I was, I flew off the handle a couple times there about that. And we had a big falling out and quit talking for, uh, a couple of years basically. And that, and that for me was going back to feeling like God was going to desert me. That that guy meant everything to me. Oof. So, disowned me, told me didn't ever wanna see me again. That kind of stuff. So, ouch. That destroyed me. Wow. So then I moved to Nashville and at that point it was like, man, you think that. You ever seen hell raised? I'm about to show you hell raising, like

Kayley:

so you really just went full rebellion?

Jarrett:

I just full on rebellion. Wow. and that's something I struggled with was like, man, was I really trying to rebel against God or was I trying to rebel against my grandpa, but I was just determined that I was gonna show him. Mm-hmm. That he had no control over my life. Mm. And he, nothing he said was going to matter. And I was going to drink every bottle of whiskey and take every pill and whatever I had to, to drown that memory out. Mm. Didn't matter. Oof. became addicted to alcohol. thankfully God got ahold of me, really had a revelation at 22 and, and got sober. And me and him were talking on and off at that time. He did, did not like me. Was not proud of me in any way. And over the next few years there, our relationship was somewhat rekindled to where we were talking. fast forward to, uh, 21, I had a traumatic brain injury and, I had to be at home in Arkansas during that time to recover.' cause I couldn't take care of myself. I had to learn how to walk and talk again. Basically, my right side didn't work and my speech, I, I lo I would lose my speech.

Kayley:

And your vision was impaired too? Yeah,

Jarrett:

it was really bad. Basically the best way I've heard it put was that my brain could not process what my eyes saw.

Kayley:

Interesting.

Jarrett:

Like a computer tries to process Yeah. Something's wrong with the connection to a screen. Yeah. It just could not process what was going on.

Kayley:

Okay.

Jarrett:

but during that time, man, poppy got right. I. And we became best friends again. And it was 100% redemption and everything I could have ever asked for. And when he died, I can say he died as my best friend and that we were right. Wow. And it was so special. And if there's anything, any reason that I had the brain injury was so that I could be in southeast Arkansas and be with my grandpa before he passed and rekindle that relationship. I firmly believed that God put me flat on my back to spend time with him.

Kayley:

But it wasn't just like your relationship with Poppy that changed. I feel like you're, you came out of that injury a different man, like you were spirit filled after that.

Jarrett:

My life had really changed when I got sober and I had given everything to Christ and I was truly trying to seek him. I think fear mm-hmm. Held me back a little bit. Mm-hmm. Not a little bit, a lot.

Kayley:

Mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

And then when the injury happened, when you go from being a normal person

Kayley:

mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

To one day you wake up and you can't walk or talk, pick up a cup of coffee or nothing.

Kayley:

Yeah. Ugh.

Jarrett:

Well it's pretty drastic.

Kayley:

Well, it's humbling

Jarrett:

pretty quick. Yeah. I mean,

Kayley:

you need help.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

Like big time

Jarrett:

and there wasn't much doctor help going on either. So it's like at that, at that point is the only thing that's gonna fix you is Christ.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Jarrett:

it is a life changing, humbling bring you to your knees kind of moment.

Kayley:

Yeah, totally.

Jarrett:

and so I think just, just during that time I had nothing to rely on but him. So I did grow. And I think that I just became more, um, had more of a fire

Kayley:

Yeah.

Jarrett:

To speak out in ways maybe.

Kayley:

mean, I remember you reaching out to me 'cause I was just beginning to be a little bit more vocal about my faith online. And you were so encouraging. Like, you just stopped me in my tracks and you're like, Kayley, I want you to know that what you're doing is really needed. And I'm really proud of it.

Jarrett:

Yeah. And it, it matters. And I know

Kayley:

I was like, Ooh, something's going on in him. Like he, he sees it, he gets it. He knows the Lord

Jarrett:

well. And when I got sober too, I went from playing drinking songs

Kayley:

mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

To all of a sudden I was writing songs about Jesus in sobriety.

Kayley:

Mm.

Jarrett:

And I was 22, 23 playing places in Nashville. Couldn't sing hardly.

Kayley:

Mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

Probably could hardly play guitar, but I knew I could write songs, but at that time, I was the only one that, you know, I wasn't getting cuts so I had to sing it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And when you go into a crowded bar and you're gonna sing a song called My Jesus, or whatever that song was at that time, that was a, a special one for me. In a crowded bar boy. I mean, it's scary.

Kayley:

I've done the same thing. I've sang some Jesus songs in a crowded bar and I'm like, people are either gonna hate me for this or they're gonna love me because a lot of, a lot of bars are filled with people that are just hurt by the church. And the church then becomes the bar that they're going to.

Jarrett:

So during that time, I learned how to be more vocal.

Kayley:

Mm.

Jarrett:

But I was, I was living and I was passionate about it. I knew that that's what the songs God was laying on my heart, what he wanted me to speak, and I wanted to tell my story. uh, all of that leading up to the brain injury and then during the brain injury, I drew even closer to God. Mm. And, and I think going back to. I thought God would just leave me one day and be done with me. There. There came a point I had to sit in a dark room with earplugs in sunglasses on, and the blinds drawn shut and could hardly watch TV sometimes 'cause it hurt my, my head so bad for a year.

Kayley:

Oof.

Jarrett:

I would go like outside and when I was able to start driving again, like I'd be able to drive like 10 miles and then I'd have to go back and sit back inside. Um, so for a year it was literally dark.

Kayley:

Oh my goodness, Jarrett. And

Jarrett:

really at some point had convinced myself that I had done everything I could do for God to leave me and that I was done. That was it. You screwed up. This is the last straw. No redemption. No hope, no joy outta this. You're never gonna be the same. Never gonna be able to get married, never gonna be able to hold a full-time job, not gonna be able to go back to Nashville and pursue music, you know, and just this despair. And there was a specific day where we weren't getting any answers from doctors. We weren't getting, anywhere along in the recovery. And I had my Bible and I just threw it. Uh, actually we were outside and I threw it on the hood of my mom's car. And I said, mom, I guess I'm not a Christian anymore.

Kayley:

Wow. At

Jarrett:

that point I thought, there, that's it. You're done. You know? wow. And all I got outta that in return was grace.

Kayley:

Ugh. And

Jarrett:

that day it was like something clicked for me. It was like, you can't screw this up. Like you can't run him off.

Kayley:

Wow. Yeah. That's so good. You cannot run him off. Wow.

Jarrett:

And then I think a week after that we got a phone call from a neurosurgeon to have a, to see me like six months before they were ever supposed to see me. And I went in and turns out I, my spine was messed up and he was like, man, we gotta do surgery. We gotta get you fixed. And um, they, they got my neck fixed and I was able to, start getting back moving and getting my life right, physically moved back to Nashville, a few months after that. And so it's like that, that day was such a breakthrough and it healed something inside of me that gave me this like clarity that like, Hey God's, not your grandpa, God's not your dad, God's not Joe blow down the street God's not your girlfriend God's not whoever you want to name. Yeah.

Kayley:

Yeah, he's

Jarrett:

there. You can't screw this up like you, you're saved, you're sealed by the blood. His spirit lives within you. He can't withdraw that. Because that would go against his character.

Kayley:

Mm.

Jarrett:

And from that day forward, it was just my health. Things changed.

Kayley:

Wow.

Jarrett:

And, and life I got back on my feet. And so it was just a really incredible breakthrough at that moment.

Kayley:

Wow. When you threw that Bible down on the hood of the car, I feel like almost what happened from my standpoint of listening to that story was you decided that you were no longer gonna be your judge. Because up until that point, you had deemed yourself, you had judged yourself.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

Unworthy. I have done everything possible to re, to basically forfeit God's love in my life. So he should not love me. And you're being, you are holding the gavel in saying that.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

And then when you realized, wow, like he's still kind of around. Yeah. Then why have I been judging myself all this time? Yeah. Deeming myself worthy or unworthy.

Jarrett:

And our, our unworthiness is what makes us worthy because he died on the cross to make us worthy. Yeah. It was our unworthiness is the reason he died on the cross to make us worthy. Yes. And, you know, going through that injury and going through that time, it's like, God, what are, what are you doing? Like I gave my life to you. I surrendered everything. I, I got sober. I did what you asked of me.

Kayley:

Wow.

Jarrett:

I was in a relationship of three years with a woman. I thought I was gonna marry that God specifically told me she's not it. And I walked away gave it up. We broke up. And I, I just went forward hoping that something good was gonna come out of that. And then what I got out of that was a brain injury flat on my back, not being able to walk or talk or anything. So for a year and a half of that time I was like, God, what are you doing? Like, like he's truly left me this time. I am screwed. Ugh. And I thought my music career was done at that point.

Kayley:

Yeah. All your dreams. Um,

Jarrett:

thankfully because of Zoom and, and honestly probably manic depression from the brain injury

Kayley:

mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

And, my chemicals in my head being all jacked up from the hit, it took, um, I wrote the best music I've ever written and was still writing as much as I could. Mm-hmm. I think when I had the head injury, I had, I had 21 cuts as a songwriter. And whenever I moved back to Arkansas from the head injury, I was at like 58 or 62 cuts. So I had like double the triple the amount Wow. Of music, of songs being cut Wow. During my injury.

Kayley:

That's so good. And

Jarrett:

So it's like God was showing himself and he was

Kayley:

Wow.

Jarrett:

Producing.

Kayley:

Well, and he was, he, it was an anointed area of your life. Yeah. He's like, I've called you into this, I've gifted you in this way. And so often we think that our disabilities are gonna disqualify us.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

Or they're gonna stunt our growth or productivity. I mean, I feel that way too. It's like when I don't have a voice and I can't sing a show, I had to go through that learning lesson of, well, my voice is not where my value is.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

so if it's gone, that doesn't mean that I have nothing to offer.

Jarrett:

Well, and that's something that. That me and a buddy have talked about here recently is that during that time I learned that my identity was not a songwriter. My identity was in Christ, songwriting is a tool.

Kayley:

Yeah, so true.

Jarrett:

And, and I still struggle with that because when I'm not writing like I wanna be writing,

Kayley:

well, it's'cause your gift. It's like we associate our identity with our gift.

Jarrett:

Right. if I had come outta that injury and never been able to write another song, which when the injury happened, I remember being awake and in and outta consciousness in the ambulance. All I could think was, I've written my last song, Ugh. I'm never gonna write another one. And for me that was just like soul crushing. I

Kayley:

feel like I wanna cry.

Jarrett:

I wouldn't do that. You

Kayley:

made me wanna cry so many times.

Jarrett:

so it's just like all our identity is not in our gift. Mm-hmm. It's a gift. It's a tool. Yeah. think that God wants to further his kingdom through those tools.

Kayley:

He does. He, I mean, he gives it to us for, it's, it's, it's a relationship building thing between me and him. Right. The gifts he's given me.'cause I get to bring, give them back to him, but then also the use for the kingdom and it bolsters. It's like when you bring your gift and I bring mine and everyone else brings theirs, then we become the body of the believers because the hand cannot do what the head does. Yeah. The feet can't do what the mouth does. And that's why we need everybody coming together as the church body

Jarrett:

in comparison. Don't, uh, something I've learned is don't let comparison kill. Your dreams of what God's given you or your joy. Mm-hmm. Joy is a big word for me. So like, and, and even Paul talks about this, I can't remember what book, it may be Romans, but he's, he's talking about. Everyone has their own specific gifts. Mm-hmm. I am not a singer. I learned that very on here, very early. I, I mean, I'll sing your writer's rounds, but I'm not Kayley Bishop. Right. But that doesn't mean that God doesn't give me a song that's meant for you to sing Mm. Or for us to write together. Right. Or, look at the, this building we're in. if, if the guy that built the frame behind these walls couldn't do drywall well that's okay. They had someone come in and do drywall. Yeah. His job was to do the frame.

Kayley:

Yeah. So

Jarrett:

everyone's got a different gift.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Jarrett:

If I compare my voice to yours and I get upset at how great you are, and I'll never be that good, it's gonna kill my joy, you know? But it is true. I'm never gonna sing like Kayley Bishop, and that's okay. That's not my gift. My gift is to, to write the lyrics or whatever that is that day. But Everyone's got their own specific gift that God weaves together Yeah. To further his kingdom. Mm-hmm. It's like a puzzle piece. And this person's got this gift and that fill that piece and this person's got this gift and fill that piece. Mm-hmm. And we can't see the bigger picture, but God's the master architect here. Yeah. He is the one that built the whole puzzle. He can see it.

Kayley:

Well, and some people don't know their gifts. Yeah. Like I feel like I've had people kind of come alongside me and trying to imitate me. Yeah. And I'm like, no. Like that's not the, that's not the way. Like I'm walking authentically in who I am. Yeah. And what I'm inspired by and what I feel like God's gifted me with. It's like you, everyone is gifted with something and I think we see the acclaim and the esteem that certain people get with their gifts and we're like, well, we want that esteem. Yeah. So we have to mimic and emulate, and the answer is no.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

Go in what God is calling you to do and be put on his identity for you. Um, because I, I just see so many people fall into that and then they're frustrated when they don't actually get the acclaim that they're seeking.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

They want that attention to do that thing, but they're just mimicking. And that's, that's a hard thing. You find that a lot in Nashville. People mimicking other successful

Jarrett:

Everyone's chasing the buzz

Kayley:

Yeah. It's like, well, it's like, why would I move to Nashville to try and be Carrie Underwood? She already exists. That's

Jarrett:

right.

Kayley:

Like, that's stupid. That's

Jarrett:

stupid. I, I mean, I've been guilty of it. I think everyone be, I know. I think we all think could be Everyone I think is guilty of it. Yeah. At some point. especially in Nashville.

Kayley:

Yes. Okay. I wanna, I wanna switch gears a little bit and I want you to tell me about the hug that changed your life.

Jarrett:

All right. So this was, uh, this was right before my brain injury.

Kayley:

Okay.

Jarrett:

I, well, me and my ex, I talked about it. I, we had just broke up.

Kayley:

Okay.

Jarrett:

And so I was pretty distraught and I was sitting in a parking lot in Ashland City, Tennessee, just sitting there. Really struggling at that point with sobriety. Really wanted to drink. That was a really difficult time. and a buddy called just called me out of the blue. And now this guy is a guy that I adore 'cause he is an incredible artist, and has some great success. And so when I first met him, I was always a little starstruck around him. Mm-hmm. And then we became like these, I'm

Kayley:

starstruck, I mean these

Jarrett:

brothers in Christ together. Yeah.

Kayley:

And,

Jarrett:

and he just calls me out of nowhere and I see he's calling and I'm like, what the heck is he doing calling me? And I answer and he's just like, Hey man. Uh. I feel like Guy was telling me to check on you and what are you doing? And I'm like, well, I'm currently sitting in Walmart parking lot in Ashland City. And he's like, well, I'm sitting over here in this wall, in this parking lot in Ashland City, meet me over here. So

Kayley:

he's in Ashland City. Yeah. So when he calls you, that's nuts. It's just like the Lord, man.

Jarrett:

We meet at, meet at this, this river there. And he's like, man, now you, you gotta think too, this was a time bef pre brain injury and me and my grandpa weren't exactly in the best place either. And I think I probably had this like man's complex. Mm-hmm. They like manly man. They

Kayley:

mainly men don't do this. They Yeah. They have to act. They can't cry.

Jarrett:

and I get outta the truck and he's like, and this goes back to learning Christ's identity and character. Mm-hmm. he's like, man, I just feel like Jesus just wants me to hug you. And let you know that you are loved and that he's standing here with his arms wide open, wanting to hug you and hold you. And this dude comes up and just like grabs me and has like, got me in this bear hug where I'm from in southeast Arkansas. That don't happen. You know, man, don't go around. It's a firm handshake. Yeah. It's, it's one thing if it's a side hug or something, but like you, you're not, you're not squeezing on grown men together, you know? And he's just like giving me this hug and it was just like. I felt this warmth and it was the Holy Spirit and this release come over me. And it's like that day something clicked that like, God, Jesus loves me. Wow. And he's not sitting here with a hammer. Oh. And he's not mad at me because I'm wanting to go to the bar right now and get drunk. So I'm thinking that God's going, ah, I'm gonna knock you upside your head for doing that. That's not what he was saying. He was saying, come here, I got this. I already paid for that. I know what you're going through

Kayley:

so good.

Jarrett:

And, um, just gonna cry. So that, for me was a big, big, big, big moment. Going back earlier, talking about learning God's character and, uh, and that, that night was a special night. And my buddy, I, I owe him. So much. I think that that night was a very pivotal turn in my life. and the prayers that were prayed over me and just the Holy Spirit active that night, there was a lot of healing that night.

Kayley:

Did it change your course to determine what really is a manly man?

Jarrett:

Yeah, I think.

Kayley:

Did it open you up in other areas too?

Jarrett:

Yeah, I think so. I think that it showed me how to be kind and to not be afraid to, embrace people's problems with 'em. Rub a little dirt on it that don't work. That's just covering it up. Being tough is a, is different than I thought it was. Yeah, because 'cause I'm, I'm pretty tough. I mean, I, I have seen myself go through some stuff. Mm-hmm. but I was not tough enough. To wake up from a brain injury and walk again. And I was not tough enough to get through sobriety on my own, and I was not tough enough to handle that heartbreak on my own. Mm. I learned tough and it's not what I thought it was. Yeah. I thought that a real man stood tall, and I think he does, but a real man's heart is on his knees. to be a protector. I think that's important. I now, I'm not a softie,

Kayley:

I'm feeling like a softie. Gosh. I feel like I'm gonna cry. I keep crying, like I'm thinking about my dad. Like, you know, I, I grew up with such a great father, but, um, you know, in these later years, like so much has changed and I won't get into much of it, but. What I see in him is someone that didn't know how to be emotionally intimate Yeah. With people. And it's like that stand tall, like I'm a tough guy. Like, you don't go through sobriety alone. You don't go through this alone. It's like, I feel like the tough guy mentality is you have to do it alone.

Jarrett:

Well, then it'll hold you back

Kayley:

and it holds you back because it makes you an island that nobody can get to. And, and it's like, well, you can't get recovery that way, but you're not getting love that way either.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

Because you just, you refuse to be relational and to lock arms with someone that's better equipped in that area for you. Yeah. And it's that humility and you know, God doesn't, God opposes the proud and he favors the humble. And so with that man's heart on its knees, that's where, that's where your chin is lifted. And God's like, I favor this.

Jarrett:

Yep.

Kayley:

You asked me for help and I will help you.

Jarrett:

Yep. And absolutely. And that, that night that I was talking, we were talking about. My buddy stepping in, I wasn't going to call him. I was too proud. I was too proud to ask for help for anyone because, and honestly, probably embarrassed yeah. To call anyone. But from that night, there's been specific situations recently in my life where a buddy was going through some really bad stuff and because of what I had been through and how, how that friend had treated me during that time, I was able to help him. And it was just like full circle and giving it back because man, I know that God was working in that. Yeah. And I know if I hadn't have gone through that stuff, that I couldn't help this person. I think that started a lot of healing in my life that night. And then

Kayley:

And you've helped other people get healed Yeah. As a result.

Jarrett:

Yeah. It's, it's been

Kayley:

How's it changed your songwriting?

Jarrett:

I think I, I write, I wrote from a, uh. A more thankful heart.

Kayley:

Mm.

Jarrett:

For a long time.'cause I, I felt what it was like to have it taken away.

Kayley:

Mm.

Jarrett:

and that's something I struggle with so badly in this town.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Jarrett:

the industry and the business side of it. I let get in the way too often

Kayley:

like what people think, what you think the industry wants, what radio wants. Like I've got that. Just having

Jarrett:

success that I want to have. Yeah. Yeah. You know, like letting God

Kayley:

dictate what success looks like.

Jarrett:

God, I let my desire to have this success ruin the success I've already had. Yo.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Jarrett:

when I came out of the brain injury, I'm going, I don't care if there's one people there or there's a million people there, I'm gonna play that show. And then, you know, now I'm back in a place sometimes going, gosh, dog, there was only a hundred people here, you know, or whatever that is, you know. So, um, I wrote with a more thankful heart. Yeah,

Kayley:

that's good.

Jarrett:

And uh, I was able to get deeper in depth in my feelings

Kayley:

mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

And attack some of those areas that I had been scared to attack.

Kayley:

Yeah.

Jarrett:

Or push off or that's too personal. Mm-hmm. Or that's too whatever. Music row ain't gonna listen to that.

Kayley:

Mm-hmm.

Jarrett:

Don't matter. honestly, most of the songs that I have had cut out of that time, were my best songs outta that time were songs that came from a deep place.

Kayley:

It's 'cause people want that. They're like, they want something that's gonna speak to their spirit and speak to their heart. And my most vulnerable songs have been those songs for my audience as well. And we just can't discount that. And that's why I think it's, as a songwriter, the best thing you can do is live life. Like, live some rich life like. Don't go out and get a brain injury, but like

Jarrett:

yeah.

Kayley:

Those hard challenging places in your life are they become a well of inspiration. Yeah. To write from a place of offering people hope. So. You were telling me, and I'm not gonna put you on the spot and I just don't even care. you are also telling me that Nicholas Sparks has played a huge role.

Jarrett:

I would, I wouldn't in your vulnerable

Kayley:

side, and

Jarrett:

I wouldn't say a huge role. I, I'll say during the brain injury, uh, when you're sitting in the same place for a year, you run out of things to watch pretty quick. I'll tell you how this story happened. So I'm a scroll, I'm a big World War II guy. All I watch is, uh, world War II stuff, uh, for the majority documentaries. Man, I love that era. I love that generation. I, I look up as a man to that generation of men and women that went to war and what they did. And I think that it is a. A special, special place in history and, and the greatest generation and I, I admire them. so I watch a lot of that. So I'm scrolling through Amazon Prime a song actually came out of this, a really good song. I'm scrolling through Amazon Prime and I guess because the Notebook is set in the World War II era, it was like movies we think you'd like, you know, and it's like Saving Private Ryan and dah, dah dah, band of brothers and dah, dah, dah and the Notebook. And I'm like, sh, you don't know what you're talking about. Were

Kayley:

you by yourself? Yeah.

Jarrett:

And so there, you know, I had been asked to watch the Notebook by numerous girlfriends in the past, you know, 'cause it's like they want to test your emotional wellbeing or something. And I guess my emotional wellbeing wasn't very good'cause I would never watch it. And I, I keep scrolling and I'm like, stupid Amazon. And I think, Jarrett, you know what? You're a grown man. You're however many years old at that point, late twenties. If you wanna watch the Notebook, you can watch the Notebook. So I'm like, hell, you had to like

Kayley:

coach yourself into it.

Jarrett:

Let's give it a try, you know? So I go back and watch it and it, and I had just come outta that three year relationship and was early on in the brain injury. So I watched it and I was an emotional wreck. Mm. To be honest with you, it really wrecked me.

Kayley:

And you cried.

Jarrett:

I, I did. Yeah. I, I think it's hard to not cry. Cry. I didn't cry when my grandpa died. I cried watching the notebook shut. Like, I don't cry. I do not cry. I am not a crier. Don't cry. Cut my arm off right now. Probably won't cry,

Kayley:

but you cried.

Jarrett:

Seen me go through, but I've seen me go through stuff. I've, I've seen me break bones and stitches and all that. Don't cry. Don't care. It's fine. That's so funny. Watch the notebook cried. but then I did, during that time I did start exploring other creative sides that I had never explored. And I went in and I watched every Nicholas Spark movie and I watched other kinds of movies that I had never been interested in and tried to really, be inspired by stories.

Kayley:

it just added colors to your pallette.

Jarrett:

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. It totally affected my songwriting. It affected, I think how I treat people and, going through a traumatic injury like I was And you're watching a movie that's pretty traumatic. It made me appreciate different stories more.

Kayley:

Yeah, sure.

Jarrett:

And it, it really affected me during that time of, of feeling soft enough or man enough made me man enough, yeah. To go in and explore areas I'd never explored before.

Kayley:

so what's your favorite Nicholas Sparks movie?

Jarrett:

Probably I think the best one's, the Notebook. Um, but the Choice was my favorite.

Kayley:

Why was the choice your favorite?

Jarrett:

I think for that time, for me, boy, that this is, this is deep. In the injury and wondering, coming out of a three year relationship, going through the injury and wondering if I'd ever be loved again.

Kayley:

Mm.

Jarrett:

And if I'd ever be able to love again.

Kayley:

Mm. And if

Jarrett:

I'd ever be able to provide, I think that something about that movie hit home.

Kayley:

Mm.

Jarrett:

I guess there was a, a part of my heart that was yearning to, you know, be loved and, and curious where my life was gonna go.

Kayley:

I mean, yeah, like just envisioning you, like you can't see, you're light sensitive, you're hearing sensitive. You don't know how you're gonna work, you don't know how you're gonna love again or get married. Like it does feel like there's an ending, there's a life, there's an end to life as you know it in that moment.

Jarrett:

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Kayley:

did it bring on depression? Oh my

Jarrett:

God. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I didn't be honest with you, and this is a heavy statement, but I mean it, and I know the weight of it. I did not want to live anymore. I did not. yeah, it was just any emotional rollercoaster. And also like when you, when you have traumatic brain injuries like that, it messes the chemicals up in your brain. So a lot of people experience like extreme anger or extreme sadness or like manic depression. And, um, I didn't sleep for, I think the longest I was up was almost four days. Couldn't sleep, you know, I had to get on sleeping medication at that point. And boy, when you go three or four days without sleep, you are crazy. I mean, but I was writing some songs, man. I mean, I was, I was really diving into, into depth, into what I was feeling and getting that on, on paper, you know?, So yeah, I was depressed, bottomed out. And then as that continued and the injury continued, it all led up to that day that I threw the Bible.

Kayley:

Mm.

Jarrett:

And just thought that I'd done everything that I could for,

Kayley:

you know, it's crazy Jarrett, I did not know this story when we wrote our one song Joy in the Morning. Yeah. There's a line in there, and I think I, I think I thought of it, but like, you threw your Bible on the bed. Yeah. Because you thought he didn't care.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

Like, I'm pretty sure I thought of that, but that's nuts to me because that was your life. Yeah. Like, you literally threw the Bible. Yeah, I did. And it wasn't a thing of like, oh God, I'm done with you. It was, I thought God was done with me. Mm.

Jarrett:

You know? Um, because

Kayley:

you're convinced he didn't care.

Jarrett:

Yeah. Because how can he

Kayley:

look at your life? How can he care about you? Right. Right. Yeah. How can all this happen? How can it, and this is why we can't live by our circumstances, I mean

Jarrett:

mm-hmm.

Kayley:

God, God doesn't promise us a, a pain-free life. Because as long as we're alive, as long as we're walking around on earth, around other people that have also fallen short of the glory of the God, I mean glory of God, like we are born into sin. And so for us to expect, when we get to Jesus and we claim Jesus for us to have a flawless life, that's just not realistic. You're still on earth.

Jarrett:

Yeah.

Kayley:

but what he does give you are these tools to navigate it. I mean, when he says, don't fear 365 times in the Bible, like, okay, he's giving you the method to not fear. So you're not living in anxiety and living in fear during the days of your life. You can actually live with like peace and joy and hope and kindness and gentleness and self-control. All these fruits of the byproduct of knowing God, of knowing Jesus and walking with him. And so I love that like you really are a walking testimony. I think like I think you're a miracle, a walking miracle of wow, like I went to the end of myself and God still redeemed me. Because that's his nature. He, he's a redeemer. I'm glad you said

Jarrett:

end of myself. I had to go to the end of myself to find who he truly was.

Kayley:

Mm. That's so good. And I,

Jarrett:

there's a lot of, um, people that I think reached that point because really that is what becoming a Christian is, is when we accept him as savior, is that we we're denying ourselves. Yeah. and I physically, mentally, spiritually went there to the end of myself, you know, didn't, didn't wanna live anymore, didn't have a purpose in life, didn't feel like I had a purpose in life. there will be joy in the morning. That's where that idea came from. Joy in the morning. There will be joy in the morning when I came back to Nashville and was living on my own and back on my feet and working and living life. And, um, had just met my now fiance. We're getting married in a few months. There, there will be joy in the morning. Yeah. That line kept coming to me. Is that God's gonna redeem this. Hmm. Yeah. He's gonna redeem it. And then when you're walking in those blessings, um, it's enjoy them.

Kayley:

I love your story so much. Every time we get together, I always end up crying and I mean, I don't think the camera's necessarily caught my tears this time, but man, you brought tears to my eyes like a few times and that's normal. It's just par for the course for whenever I write a song with Jarrett or we just talk about the Lord. And it's so funny, it's like the person that thought God would leave him. Yeah. Or anyone would leave him. It's like you are the walking representation of like God being with you always. Yeah. Because when you're in the room, it's like, I, I sense Holy Spirit in you. And so it's so funny, you know, the trap that we find ourselves in, in the faith complex, but you know, we're, we're at the end of the episode and I just want you to, whatever Holy Spirit gives you right now, I just want you to give the audience like one last final remark from you based on everything we've said.

Jarrett:

Oh, let's see. God's not a quitter and he didn't put his son on the cross to die for our sins and rising from the grave and all that to say I'm through with you. Yeah. And once, once you know him as your Lord and Savior, you're his

Kayley:

so good.

Jarrett:

And he put the down payment of the Holy Spirit in us. Mm. And it sealed. Yeah. And, uh, when he wrote our names in the book of life, there wasn't any eraser on the end of the pen.

Kayley:

Ah. You know, so, so good Jarrett.

Jarrett:

I would just say that

Kayley:

that makes me wanna cry again.

Jarrett:

And, and it is something I still struggle with. Like, the devil knows our biggest fears, like he knows what gets us. Yeah. Like, yeah. I feel like when I got sober, alcoholism wasn't something he held over me anymore. It was, he started putting fear in place and I'd never experienced fear like that. You know? So there's, the devil knows what to throw at us. Yeah. And so it's something that I like, I don't want people to think that I'm, I don't deal with that stuff anymore 'cause I still do. But it's like,

Kayley:

but you know the word, you renew your mind and the word. Right.

Jarrett:

And I know, you know, I have to constantly check myself every day. If I feel depressed or I feel anxious, or I feel alone, I have to go back to God's word.

Kayley:

Yes.

Jarrett:

And personal experiences. And oftentimes I'm flat on my face calling out to him and going, what are you doing? Mm-hmm. You know, but there's always, he always answers and there's always a reminder that he will not quit.

Kayley:

Not a quitter.

Jarrett:

He will not give up. So,

Kayley:

Wow. Well, y'all, I hope you were encouraged 'cause I am always encouraged by this man. I'm just so thankful for you, Jarret and thankful for you. Um, where can everybody find you real quick?

Jarrett:

I'm on Instagram at,@jarretthartness, uh, don't do a lot of social media. I, I post a picture of a big fish I catch every once in a while or something.

Kayley:

But reach out to Jarret, give him a follow. And also if there's any part of his story that you loved listening to that really kind of hit you, especially if you're a dude and it made you, you want to let your heart get on the floor. Get that kneeling heart centered, I, I want you to reach out to me. Go to biblebish.com, send me a little testimony. Send me what, what specifically hit you today in this episode, because I wanna celebrate it. I wanna encourage you, and maybe I'll even share it on air, because I think people need to know encouraging words. They need to know the stories that are giving wings to their circumstances and setting 'em free. So we love you and we hope that you go forward today encouraged. We want it in the name of love. That's why we're sitting here talking about all the hard things, good things, the manly things, and the soft things. And so in Jesus' name, may you be blessed and encouraged. And that is all. Bye y'all.